As I pack what I hope are enough adult diapers, it occurs to me that I am packing for a journey with an outcome and a destination that I am totally unaware of. Hell, I don’t even know exactly when it’s going to start!
**Decided to leave that intro, ’cause I like it. However, I currently know when it’s going to start, as I learned this morning that I would be induced TOMORROW.
I’m not sure how many times I’ve talked about terror and fear when it comes to motherhood on this blog in the past few months, and I’m sorry that I’ve repeated myself so many times. I just can’t quite put into words how I’m feeling, but it seems like uncertainty and fear (like you’re in line for a roller coaster you don’t wanna ride) are the overwhelming emotions I’ve felt so far. Now, we’re also in the middle of a Global pandemic, social distancing, and (for Kane and I) knowing that any hospital— and potentially home—visits from friends and family won’t be allowed.
For the first time in this entire pregnancy, I kind of feel anxious.
More and more, I’m trying to think about this as an adventure, in the hopes that it will ease some of my fears. Adventures are fun! Adventures are exciting! Adventures create memorable experiences that enrich your life! However, it just doesn’t quite work the way it used to. I’m nervous, but I’m not also not excited to meet this kid. It’s kind of comforting to know that he will likely arrive either today or tomorrow, and that I can skip all of the guesswork of when we should be making our way to the hospital. Ultimately, I’m glad Kane will be there with me.
I don’t even know what I’m saying right now. I feel delirious, among other feels, so I’m just typing. Sorry.
All I know right now is that my “go bag” is packed with all of the essentials I’m supposedly going to need. That’s about as much as I can control right now, and I guess I’ll take it.